10.4.09

Oh, the difference a year can make! I went back to Waco this past Sunday for my friends’ engagement; while I was there I visited my old church, FBC Woodway. And as I sat in the back of the room, where I used to always sit and sing and pray, I started to think. I wondered what my life was like this time last year- probably a mess, I thought. What was I sitting here thinking, praying for, praising God for? I wondered how I had changed since October 2009. I had graduated, moved towns, and transitioned into some form of adulthood. Yes, I knew I had changed. So, when I got home I pulled out my prayer journal and found an entry I had written exactly 365 days before.

After reading it, I remembered that night. I remember feeling overwhelmed and scared about my future. I was so afraid of messing up my life. I remember feeling so lonely. And so unsure about how God was working in my life. But I also remember feeling so sure that the only way to work through my problems was to talk to the Lord about it all. So I started writing. I poured out my heart that night, and looking back, I am so glad I have it all in writing. Even though that was a major low point, I am so glad I can see all of the ways God has moved in my life since then.

So, I thought I would share it with you…well at least some of it:) Hopefully, God will use this to encourage you in some way or another. Who knows what you are dealing with! What is on your heart? What is secretly bubbling inside of you? Maybe you relate to me- after all, everyone is 21 at some point in their lives!

God,

I love you. I am amazed by the wondrous things you do. You are always at work- in ways I don’t see, don’t understand and usually don’t trust.

I want to pour all I have into all you have prepared for me but something is holding my back. I’m scared of my future and fearful of what it might look like if I make a wrong move.

I want to honor you. I want to bring you glory. I want to feel fulfilled.

I always pictured myself getting a job at a church but I always pictured having my life together at that point too. But here I am and in some ways I feel well and ready and prepared and in some ways I feel unsure. I’m not sure I am ready. God, my heart feels guilty just admitting that! Is ministry what you want for me, or what people expect of me? I want this to be your conviction in me, not other people’s standards impressed upon me- but maybe you want me to work through that. Maybe you know that is what is best for me.

I don’t know what is going on with me!

Maybe I don’t know who I am- at least in some ways. Maybe that is why I feel like I am waiting for my life to start. Maybe my neutrality is emptiness. Maybe my questions are unfaithfulness. Maybe this is all normal. Maybe it’s Satan trying to distract me. Maybe it’s you working on a different timetable.

Maybe I’m not supposed to figure it all out.

Regardless, I need some affirmation. I want my life to consist of consistency! But I need to know that who I am now is okay. I need to know that I am worthy of something- that I am getting through to people! That I am living now! Let this prayer right now show that you hear me- that my heart is beating and I am working towards something great.

I need to see you working in my life now, not just my future.

I want to trust, I try really really hard, but it is not easy, it is not simple. Maybe I’m looking at life all wrong, but I am feeling it all right now. Please meet me here. Please let this genuinely humble prayer be herd- I am trying so hard to honor your, even though I am a pathetic work in progress. I know I always will be. Thank you for letting me share my heart.

Please, give me something to chase after.

Your child,

Meredith

Yes, I remember that night, that girl, those problems. Tonight, my journal entry will start with something like this, “Oh Lord, I am so blown away by the ways you have worked in my life! Looking back, I can see how you have been faithful and patient and trustworthy…my life is living proof…I'm sorry for every time I questioned You...”

(By the way, this is my official journaling endorsement. Everyone should at least try it. Even you. It takes patience and dedication, but the rewards are wonderful!)